Eye-opening lessons I learned in the 3months of motherhood

My little girl, it seems like we’ve always been together, you and I. In reality, you have only existed as you for 3 blissful months.

I have watched you grow and now everything you touch ends up in your mouth. You spit up so much, we are amazed that such a little body can spit up so much. You have the cutest little laugh ever + your smile is contagious.

Most importantly, I am grateful for the lessons you have taught me,

  1. Before you, I never understood the difference between being passive about my opinions and making those opinions heard. By giving me the power to speak for you, you have also given me the power to speak for myself.
  2. You have taught me and your daddy that we must have the hard conversations, share in our responsibilities to you, and above all else, respect each other so we can give you the best versions of ourselves.
  3. You have taught me to stop comparing your growth, to stop comparing my relationship with your daddy, to stop comparing my recovery and my postpartum experience.
  4. You have taught me to let that go. And you teach me again every day when you try something new. I’m learning with you, babygirl
  5. I look at you, and you are the most remarkable little person I have ever seen. But sometimes it’s all a lot. Being your mom is the greatest, most liberating experience of my life—but it is also lonely, challenging, and heartbreaking. You have taught me that there is peace in the inbetween. And as I watch you tumble through an array of emotions so purely, I know it’s okay for me to do the same.
  6. Call it a sixth sense, but you have taught me to trust my instincts. And I hope I will always know when you need me or you are feeling something that doesn’t feel right.
  7. Most importantly you have taught me to laugh and let it go. When you pee every time I take your diaper off? I laugh and let it go. When you poop explosion and it wound up on my clothes when I let you have diaper-free days? I laugh harder and fight even harder to let it go. You have showed me that sweating the small stuff isn’t worth my time and that laughter is the best and sometimes only medicine.

Thank you my sweet girl,

Love, your mama

Going back to work after maternity leave

Been on maternity leave and I have to go back to work in excatly 16 days. I cringe at the thought of leaving my baby girl. She is 10 weeks now. I cringe even more that I will be leaving someone else to fulfill her needs. How did you mommy’s do it? I’m a first-time mama and to be honest this shit scares me. The leaving your 3months old baby in someone else’s care part.

New youtube channel

I have been on maternity leave for 2 months now, raising my little angel Zuri and I’m just trying to switch things up a little by exploring new things and pushing my boundaries.

YouTube channel creation and management is confusing to me, and I don’t know if I have what it takes to do this regularly, but there’s only one way to find out. So I’m doing it.

What my channel is about:

  1. Journey through motherhood as a first-time mama
  2. Family Dysfunctional, along with the trust issues
  3. Toxicity in relationships/friendships

All the things I have experienced and been silent about for so long. It will be a healing and learning and letting go process.

I am a little camera shy but I know as I keep recording, I will get better and be more creative. I hope you will enjoy. Please Like, Comment, Share and Subscribe.

Here’s Episode 1:

My miscarriage story: I lost my baby at 10 weeks.

Finding out you had an early miscarriage is… there are actually no words for it. I know because I’ve been there in 2019. I found so much comfort in reading other people’s stories about their miscarriages or watching their videos. I’m now ready to share my story of miscarriage.

There are so many emotions that come up during a miscarriage. You immediately play the blame game, how could I have prevented this miscarriage? Googling “what causes miscarriages?” Maybe you’re Googling different types of miscarriages. No matter what, Google is not your friend; but maybe a blog post or a video gives you some comfort, it did for me.

I hope my story can give you, or someone else, comfort in this impossible time.

First, I’m sorry that you’re experiencing this.

However you feel is exactly right. Some women feel completely wrecked and grieve hard, if that’s you, let yourself. Some women feel okay and wonder why it’s not bothering them more, it may come later, it may not, that’s okay. Give yourself the space to feel WHATEVER you feel and don’t question it.

It’s such a complicated thing, often miscarriages happen in the first trimester WHEN NO ONE EVEN KNOWS YOU’RE PREGNANT! So now, you need to tell them first, you were pregnant and also, now you’re not.

To the few friends that knew I was pregnant, I remember my text looking something like, “I found out that I’m having a miscarriage, I don’t really want to talk about it, but I wanted to let you know”. That was that.

People were very respectful and it was a great way to get the message out without pouring energy I didn’t have into conversations.

I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks pregnant

It happened on my birthday March 2nd 2019. I remember I was at my partners place but we were not staying together yet. At this time, I was staying with my parents and I hadn’t told anyone the news. I wanted to wait until the 1st trimester was over.

That evening, I had some mild pains. They felt like menstrual period pains. I knew this was not supposed to happen. I knew that any slight of pain during pregnancy is an emergency. So the first thing I did was google, signs of an early miscarriage. And there it was, “Abdominal pain or cramping”.

I called my partner and when he arrived to the house, I was sitting in the toilet, bleeding. I was afraid to miscarry. But then, it was still in the first trimester, we knew this could happen. It’s not like we lost a BABY just an embryo… right? I thought.

When we got to the hospital, the doctor asked me if I had taken any pills. I assumed he thought it was an abortion! He then confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I had already lost the baby. He told us that most miscarriages occur because the fetus isn’t developing normally. That my DNA and that of my partner did not match well—chromosome problems. And for that, it had to come out.

What! I had never heard of such a thing! How’s that even possible! I was angry at my body. I was angry at myself. I was angry with my Higher Source of Energy for letting this happen.

The doctor then gave me two options:
1. Get a D&C (surgery to empty out my uterus)
2. Take a pill that would cause my uterus to expel all the tissue inside

We choose #2. For me, a miscarry is like a bad period and the early stages of labor. The cramps turned into little contractions, and after every ‘contraction’, I would pass a clot either on the toilet or into the pad. At some point, I didn’t want to leave the toilet.

After a 1 hour or 2 of so much pain, the doctor gave me an injection on my left thigh. They told me that with a miscarriage there is a chance of infection and to watch for a few symptoms: foul smell, pain in my abdomen, and fever—reasons for the injection.

After that day I continued to bleed for over 2 weeks and kept the doctors visits for another 3 months. Ultrasounds after ultrasounds. Gynacologist after gynacologist just being pumped with antibiotics. But I kept the visits going just to make sure that I was healing properly, that there was nothing remaining inside of me and that I would be able to get pregnant again in the future.

I had heard of possibility of repeatitive miscarriage once you experience your first. And that thought put me in a dark place for quite sometime.

I remember I fell into a deep depression, and felt like my family wouldn’t understand so I decided to just leave my parents home and go stay with my boyfriend. He was the only who could understand me. He was there with me.

I tried to stay busy and I just tried to feel and sit with my feelings. No one will ever understand fully because we all experience miscarriage differently but we all respect each other because we understand the deep feeling of loss.

After I told my family about it, my dad was like “You are sure you did not have anything to do with it?” I swore to myself that I would never speak about it again. He made me feel so embarassed. He blamed me and said the reason I was hiding this information from the family was because I had something to do it. I don’t think I would ever hurt myself like that.

So I decided that I would consider sharing the information once I eventually had a baby. So here we are a year later.

I hope that this story brings you comfort. I am truly sorry for what you are experience and the best advice I can give is to give yourself time, give yourself grace, and feel. Don’t feel ashamed of anything you feel or don’t feel. Process how you need to.

I got pregnant despite taking the morning-after pill…

I will never forget the day I saw two distinctly pink lines confirming what I was afraid to be true: positive. I knew in my heart that this life was a gift, but I felt completely unprepared to receive it!

How comes? I took the pill! I remember taking the morning-after pill. I was astounded as despite knowing the statistics, no one explained the contexts in which the morning after pill could fail to work. I followed all the right steps and did it straightaway like I always do.

I have a history with the emergency contraceptives. It wasn’t my first time using them. They worked several times before. Maybe they had expired. Honestly, I am still trying to wrap my head about it but I am writing this post to educate and inform you that a simple confusion can change your life forever and bring you a big surprise.

No don’t get me wrong, I have no regrets. I wish that I could have changed the timing but I know that although I can try and control everything–there are just some things that are meant to be.

A little over 6weeks postpartum

and feeling really good. Zuri is definetly keeping me on my toes, I’m still healing every day and breastfeeding non-stop, but still finding time for pause.

Even if it’s only for a few minutes, I find a moment every day to take a few quick breaths, reminding myself of what I’m capable of, affirming that I’m on the right path and expressing gratitude to The Divine for the joys (and challenges) of parenthood.

Myths I was told about pregnancy

As unbelievable as this may sound, no two words (aside from, “I do!”) will have as much of an impact on your life as, “I’m pregnant.” And your mom, aunt, sister, cousin, best friend, client, customer and neighbor will no doubt have something to say when it comes to your first-time pregnancy. Here’s what I was told.

  1. Eating peanuts will make your baby grow bigger and a bigger baby means you have to go in for C-section delivery.
  2. Your baby is so active, it’s a boy
  3. You are not experiencing morning sickeness, it’s a boy. Girls are so stubborn. They make you really sick.
  4. Carry high, it’s a girl. Carry low, it’s a boy.
  5. You might have the best sex of your life during pregnancy.
  6. Lifting your arms over your head can cause your baby’s umbilical cord to wrap around her neck.
  7. Spicy foods can help you go into labor.
  8. Your water breaking (most likely in public) will be the first sign you’re in labor.
  9. You need to start eating for two…No, you don’t!
  10. You will crave for inedible things, such as dirt or clay

People will tell it like it was for them. For those who don’t know, I have a 5 weeks old baby girl and I am just telling you how it was for me.

Colicky Baby My Story… At 5 Weeks Now

I had heard of the word colic when I was pregnant. The web searches say how it happens to about one in five babies–most often in the evenings and in babies aged three weeks to three months. No one really knows why. I medidated and prayed upon, but baby Zuri was not lucky.

I can remember the moment I realized something was up: It was 2 or 3am and I was nursing where I paced her back and forth, rocked her one end of the room to the other, back and forth, back and forth, singing or making sounds that I’d come up with to calm her. Before, it had seemed to soothe her. Now, nothing soothed her. My partner and I checked the diapers. We cuddled and cooed more. We tried the breast to undressing her. But nothing worked.

The keening in her crying: The poor kid! She was in such obvious distress. Do something! Somebody, do something! The urgency I felt…I wanted to sprint, speed, hop to the pharmacy to find just the right medicine to cure the problem.

It had to be something serious. Didn’t it? What else would trigger this sort of crying? The noise she made included a painful whizz that did something to me. It seemed to reach into my skull through my mouth, to grasp my brain stem, to shake the inner core of my being. It was the strangest sensation: Her crying was actually rattling my brain. I looked down at her and she was apoplectic. I’ve never seen any human being look that angry. Is this OK? I thought. Is this normal?

In the rare moments that we could afford some reflection, my partner and I talked. We discussed the theory of colic is caused by immature digestive system; the hypothesis that it’s gas; the possibility it might be something bad I ate that got to her through breasfeeding; the probability it has something to do with after giving birth effects.

I remember crying into the phone the next day, telling my mom that I didn’t think I could handle it. Her response?

You will handle it because this is your child.”

We are at 5weeks now. It doesn’t happen every day but colic is frustrating and exhausting and frightening. I hope my mom is right. I medidate and pray upon wisdom to handle her crying in a much different way, a way in which I will feel empowered and even graceful (which I’ll share in future posts).

Introducing a pacifier to my newborn…

I actually wasn’t sure if I should offer Zuri a pacifier in the beginning. I was terrified because, as a first time mama, I thought it was too early for it and that it might be the bane of existence since my breast milk delayed and she was drinking formula for sometime. I didn’t want her to get used to the pacifier before learning to latch on mama’s breasts well.

I later found out that my little girl is some-what colicky. She would start to cry around 9pm and that cry would turn the loudest scream that could not be calmed down in any way for up to an hour not even breastfeeding. At this moment, my breastmilk was flowing and I thought maybe she was not getting enough. It worried me more.

As tiny as she was, she was unhappy. I could see it and it broke my heart into a million pieces. I did my research and many parents were saying that a pacifier is a lifesaver and other remedies that needed a doctor’s approval.

On the night we introduced the pacifier, immediately we put it in her sweet, screaming mouth, silence fell over our house and we saw our little girl relax into a moment of bliss. She loved it. And we loved it more. The crying hours reduced and my partner and I started getting some sleep at least.

We are at week six now and if it wasn’t for the colicky behaviours, I would have waited longer before introducing her to the pacifier. But I use it mostly at night and she sleeps every night with one. She pushes it out with her tongue when she’s done and sometimes, when we try to put it back, she just doesn’t open her mouth. We don’t force it. We let her enjoy it when she wants to.

I hope in the future, she won’t have a hard time giving up the pacifier and get upset when I take it away. But incase she does, I will do my best to ensure she gets the best.

I won’t let my baby “cry it out” to fall asleep..

“You need to leave her to cry.” “She’ll exhaust herself eventually.” “She will get used to you holding her all the times.” “She needs to learn.” “

Ummm, how about no?

I’d rather stick with the “lessons” that don’t break my soul into a million pieces.

In a world where “cry it out” is so very common, it’s sometimes hard to trust in the process of nurturing little ones to sleep. But far from being surplus to requirements, comfort and soothing pave the way for healthy sleep associations and nurturing rest.

Because babies don’t need to “cry it out” to fall asleep…in our arms, safe and sound, sleep can be resorative and peaceful. It never has to be a battlefield.

And for my Baby Zuri, boob-to-sleep has won. Every single time.